Cooking Cooking !

 

Today is a public holiday. As usual we didnt go anywhere. 

Stayed home the whole day because we didnt want to risk my son catching an infection.

Until today we have no confirmation on his low immune system. We went to see an ENT doctor and he advised us to treat his sinus problems. The explanation and symptoms that this ENT doc gave us was exactly what my son is having. So, we are praying hard that he will slowly improve from the treatments this doc is giving him. This ENT doctor is Dato Dr Lim Seh Guan whom i had seen him when i was a teenager. He removed my tonsils because i kept having fever and it was really bad too that time.

Well, i cooked for lunch and dinner today. We packed breakfast to eat at home. 

Let the boys finish their homework, relax and played basketball at home. I am glad i fixed the net and dad pumped the balls. It is definitely a good short exercise for my boys and they love it too.

My cough and sore throat arent getting any better. Most probably because my son was sick last week and i stayed up at night to check on him and wipe his body. So i started coughing again and now suddenly sore throat too. I guess i was too busy to drink water. I keep reminding my sons to drink more water due to the hot weather but i myself didnt measure the amount of water i drink.

i wish i can post all this daily stories in tiktok too. haha. but some are more private.

Oh yah, i met my ex colleague in duck rice stall during dinner. She told me that i was fortunate i left the company. Now the targets have doubled and they are staying back even later than before. Saturdays also have to work. clericals also have to stay back.

She was with her husband and another son. The other son stayed home. I wish i also can hang out with my husband on holidays and someone can help me to look after my children. If possible of course i would definitely like to bring both my sons out to the malls and eat out. Sigh. 

Tonight gotta try sleep before 12.30. Need to wake up early to prepare breakfast for my kids. And they have activities tomorrow after school. So it is going to be a busy day on every Wednesday.

# signing off at 11.45 am, 18/3/25, Tuesday #

Arguments

 Yeap, It's Monday again.

Although i dont have to worry about Monday blues and the rush hour of getting up early , send my kids to school and fly car to office to start work. 

Today my eldest son is back to school. 

I had an argument with my mom while cooking. We all noticed that she loves to strike an argument with us. My brother and my dad use the word provoke. Well, i totally agree. 

She usually doesnt want to go out to buy things and will ask us to buy for her. So whenever we buy things or food for her, she will complain about them. The rock sugar that i bought she had reminded me to buy a packet with smaller rock sugars size. I have looked for a long time at the store and even asked the lady how to get a packet with smaller rock sugars. and she recommended me to buy a different brand where all the sugars are broken into smaller pieces. So i bought two packets just in case. 

I told my mom i honestly checked each packets in the store and this is the smallest that i can find. she wouldnt believe me. Instead she shoot me back saying that i didnt try my best to look for it. i told her that i even asked the store seller and looked at each packets in the shelf. 

Then my mom turned and scolded me for being rude to keep answering her. I mean, who wouldnt ???
Anyone would be mad for being accused of something they didnt do. I did try my best but she said i didnt. and if the conversation is only going to be a one way street, then there isnt meant to be any conversation at all. My kids told me that how to communicate with my mom if i am not allowed to even talk or respond to her. I needed to clarify and explain to her. She was being rude to me for accusing me of not choosing the best rock sugars when i have looked and that was the best i could find.

This story is not about the rock sugar. It is about the way my mother talks and being manipulative and throws the blames back at me. 

Whenever my brother raised his voice and scold her, she would either ignore them or didnt even remember at all. how unfair is that. It hurts me until today. I brought her to clinic but she would say that i am not filial because the clinic is just opposite our house, it is nearby. 

I even took emergency leave and rushed home to bring her to hospital. But my brother on the other hand would only say, Aiya, wait till Saturday, mom will still be alive so no hurry. 

Now even my brother's wife doesnt want to come to my mom's house to visit her. She only comes on special occasions, like birthdays. so in total probably less than 8 times a year. Neighbours have been asking why they have not seen his wife. haha. i guess my brother did it on purpose so that his wife will not have conflicts with my mom. He knows. We all know. Except my mom. 

I am not saying that my mom doesnt love us. But she never admits her flaws. We all have flaws. I do too. I know i have short tempers and may be lazy and messy at times. So, just admit it. 

My aunties couldnt stand my mom and have been complaining her too. MY second aunty who used to stay here to help look after my youngest son doesnt want to come to stay here anymore no matter how often we invite her. We all know the reasons.

I wish i can be more independent so that i dont have to rely on my mom so much. Every time when my eldest son is sick, i will need her help because i need to take care of him the whole time. And i get tired easily and dizzy when i dont have enough sleep at night. So i need her help to prepare lunch and sleep with my youngest son. I feel that i am such a failure. 

my friends who have two or three kids or even four kids are so independent in managing their children and family. i am sad that my children are not trained to be independent. my mom wants to do every single chore for them and even encouraged them to play handphone so much even during lunch and dinner when they were young. when we told her it is no good and take away their phones, my mom said that giving them phones will make them eat faster and eat with a happier mood. Well, of course she has forgotten all about what she had said. 

So much to complain for today. I need to let everything out. Cannot store so much unhappiness inside my heart and mind.

There is one good news. Tomorrow is a public holiday. However, it will still be a busy day for me. There is no rest day for a housewife. I never wanted to be one...

# signing off at 11.25 pm, 17/3/25, Monday.

'Fairy Tale isn't Fairy Tale after all

 Once upon  a time, i dream of a fairytale where i will live my life freely, and happily ever after.

Now this isnt the life i am living now.

Every morning and every night i am praying for a miracle where my eldest son will be stronger and healthier. My heart breaks into a million pieces every time i see him falls sick. High fever, sore throat and suffering from pain. Swallowing so much medicines. Skipping schools and lying on bed at home. Rushing to the hospitals looking for a doctor who can identify his problems and advise on medications or treatments that can make him better.

It has been years he is like this. But we found no answer. Doctors are just pushing their responsibilities away. Prescribing antibiotics is the only answer for them. Blood tests after blood tests in different hospitals. Still no answer. 

In the end, i know deep inside that the only person who can give me an answer is God. And i am waiting for a miracle. Having faith is to believe. However, with all the never ending struggles and challenges along the way, faith can fade away and one may lose faith.

When i look at my son, he has missed so many chapters of his life as a child. He cannot enjoy many varieties of food like burgers or fried chickens because of his mouth ulcers. It is hereditary in fact. We have been going to clinics and hospitals more than we can count. 

There are many activities where he can take part in schools and outside of schools. Many children travel during school holidays, water park, arcades, games, sports and many more. I would really love for my son to be able to join. But with him falling sick and having fever every 3 weeks is a cycle that has not been broken yet. 

I feel so lost. There is no one who can sincerely help me and my son here. Those doctors shows on tv are all a lie. Their doctors are efficient, analytical, intelligent and risk taking and most importantly they are passionate about saving lives. But in reality, none of this are real. 

Family members are also not seriously helping. My mil told my husband that we are over reacting. It is such a sad statement. What is over react when the child's fever is 40 degrees and crying in pain. 

I saved the videos and sent to her to let the rest of their family to see with their eyes, whether i am faking it or it is real. 

No one will ever understand our pain unless they come and witness with their own eyes. NO one will pity my son unless they put themselves in his shoes and feel the pain he suffers.

I have been coughing for a long time and with the stress and sleepless nights, i feel my health has also been affected.

At the end of the day, i will remind myself not to lose Faith. 

Seek and God will open the door for me,
Ask and God will find an answer for me,
Pray and God will give me a miracle.

# signing off at 11.30 pm, Sunday, 16th March 2025 #