Back to School

 It is Monday again.

The start of the week.

The start of everything new.

Back to school.

Back to work.

I hope that my days will be brighter in December.

Dare not hope. Dare not plan. Dare not think of anything.

Just pray and continue to pray.

I told myself to read my Bible every night but i still am not determined enough.

Now i am scared whenever i hear my son cough or sneeze. 

When they sneeze, my heart froze.

When they cough, my throat choked.

Today I have thrown away basically everything that is old and rotten in my house.

I have ordered a new mattress yesterday to replace my old one which has vomits and urine on it.

I have thrown away an old side table which was already tearing or falling apart.

My aunty will be going back home tomorrow.

So sad. I wish she can stay with us longer as she is jovial and helps us a lot.

She came to help out whenever my kids are in hospital. i dont even know how i can repay my aunties and uncles. 

Every year i will book hotel and stay with my aunties and uncle during year end or chinese new year. Sometimes even eat good food during birthdays.

Now i am jobless, my uncle said to me, so i dont have to give them anymore money. haha. so embarrassing.

Over the years they have been helping us in and out ever since my brother was small.
and now is already the second generation with my kids.

She cannot stand my mom nagging and complaints everyday.

nobody can stand that honestly.

The worst part of it is that my mom does not admit it.
She will instead said we are the ones who made her depressed all the time.
Especially me. She blamed me for her depressions.
I am so sad la.

She always say hurtful remarks to me just because she is jealous of me talking to my aunties and dad and everyone else except her.

I cannot have a long conversation with her or else i am going to go crazy.

She still wants to control me on everything that i do.

and control my children's school work, educations, etc.

Now she is starting to chase my dad and my aunty to come stay in my house.

I am already currently taking care of my two kids at home. 

I hope i can take care of my old parents but my kids are so weak.

I now still need my mom and my dad and even my aunt to come help me with my kids.

But my mom likes to backstab and add salt to wounds.
It is like she is not satisfied with everything.

She told my brother of what i said so i had to explain to my brother my reasons.

# signing off # 11.35 pm # 2 December 2024 #

It's December

 When will i stop going to hospital.

The world is changing, but not for better but for worse.

Christmas is coming. 

There are so many plans for December but i really don't dare to plan at all.

My plans always fail.

We just came back from hospital on Saturday.

My youngest son admitted because of fever and wheezing.

I dont even dare to come home because the weather outside now is super cold.

People call it the monsoon season, but i noticed it is extremely cold this year end compared to previous years.

Suddenly, staying in the hospital felt safer than home.

Oh NO , i don't want that.

I want to stay in hotels and not hospitals, please.

After we came home, i quickly find those old stuff or old mattress or old toys to clear and throw away.

Now i am undecided whether to change a new expensive water filter or a cheap one.

I have always known that once i quit, things are not going to change miracously. 

My children still continue to fall sick and i still need to spend a lot of money on medicals and treatments and new things.

I don't want to go into direct sales or any sales. It is not my interest.

but free lance sales is more suitable for my situation now.

If i am still working, I will be getting my 2 months bonus + salary which means 3 months in total in December ! Can u imagine how much that would be ?! i can get 24k in just a month.

Sigh 😔

God please guide me through my life everyday. 

I don't want anything else. But i just want good health for my family members especially both my boys.

Since Christmas is coming, we will need to travel down to KL to visit my husband's family.

I love to travel, I love to go Christmas shopping. But the fear of finding good food and good accommodation for my kids is killing me. 

I have no more FREEDOM to travel peacefully.

My mom said something very hurtful to me today. She said that after i quit my job i took care of my kids and they fell sick even more often until have to be hospitalized.

It hurts so much when i am already so sad and depressed inside.
Many asked me to stay positive and give me supportive words, but my mom shoved me with insults and hurtful remarks instead. 

Deep down inside, i have always asked myself, why is my mom so negative all the time.
She has always lived in fear her whole life and now it has affected me and my brother too.

How will this ever improve ?

I can only PRAY. Keep Praying. 

# signing off # 11.21 pm # 1 December 2024 #