It's December

 When will i stop going to hospital.

The world is changing, but not for better but for worse.

Christmas is coming. 

There are so many plans for December but i really don't dare to plan at all.

My plans always fail.

We just came back from hospital on Saturday.

My youngest son admitted because of fever and wheezing.

I dont even dare to come home because the weather outside now is super cold.

People call it the monsoon season, but i noticed it is extremely cold this year end compared to previous years.

Suddenly, staying in the hospital felt safer than home.

Oh NO , i don't want that.

I want to stay in hotels and not hospitals, please.

After we came home, i quickly find those old stuff or old mattress or old toys to clear and throw away.

Now i am undecided whether to change a new expensive water filter or a cheap one.

I have always known that once i quit, things are not going to change miracously. 

My children still continue to fall sick and i still need to spend a lot of money on medicals and treatments and new things.

I don't want to go into direct sales or any sales. It is not my interest.

but free lance sales is more suitable for my situation now.

If i am still working, I will be getting my 2 months bonus + salary which means 3 months in total in December ! Can u imagine how much that would be ?! i can get 24k in just a month.

Sigh 😔

God please guide me through my life everyday. 

I don't want anything else. But i just want good health for my family members especially both my boys.

Since Christmas is coming, we will need to travel down to KL to visit my husband's family.

I love to travel, I love to go Christmas shopping. But the fear of finding good food and good accommodation for my kids is killing me. 

I have no more FREEDOM to travel peacefully.

My mom said something very hurtful to me today. She said that after i quit my job i took care of my kids and they fell sick even more often until have to be hospitalized.

It hurts so much when i am already so sad and depressed inside.
Many asked me to stay positive and give me supportive words, but my mom shoved me with insults and hurtful remarks instead. 

Deep down inside, i have always asked myself, why is my mom so negative all the time.
She has always lived in fear her whole life and now it has affected me and my brother too.

How will this ever improve ?

I can only PRAY. Keep Praying. 

# signing off # 11.21 pm # 1 December 2024 #